Slug Life

Why I Love a Threesome

My friend has invited me to a book club, for grown ups. I feel like a Jane Austin heroine about to be unleashed upon polite society. I confess I am as excited as a sniffer dog on a flight from Columbia. I have lived in ‘Treetopia’ for a year now and this qualifies as my first real social engagement. I should be relishing thoughts of juicy conversations about books with other fully grown adults, but instead I am obsessing about my lack of decent underwear.

This is not a laundry issue, the washing is on the line. It has been sitting there since Monday, in the rain for five days solid now. I tried to bring it in on Wednesday and my knees buckled under the sheer weight of saturated wool. How sheep stay upright on those spindly little legs, in the rain is a complete mystery to me. The washing is not so much drying, as elongating. Mr NDs sweater is nearly touching the floor, the arms are longer than the plot line for Game of Thrones and I am still in my husbands pants. Enough is enough. I cannot meet new adults in mens Bonds. I am retrieving my knickers from the washing line and I am going to dry them if it kills me.

I am a smart cookie. I have chosen to dry the pink lacy pants, because I know a thing or two about physics. The laws of convection and conduction dictate these babies will be dry in no time. Wrong. This is when I should yield to the universe, steal another pair of hubby’s briefs, and suck it up, but no, I decide instead to dry the knickers with my hairdryer. This is a mistake.

The pants do not instantly melt. They maintain the illusion of a high brief until I squeeze my butt into them and then, in the way a spiders web glistening in the sunlight might be disturbed by a fly colliding into it, they collapse in a series of craters bigger than the moons surface. This is the point I see my friends car in my drive.

I love people, I really do. A cosy chat, one to one over coffee is my idea of heaven. I love a threesome even better (just conversationally kinky I guess) all those ideas whizzing round, listening to peoples thoughts, being able to sit back and enjoy some witty banter. I’m just not good with lots of people, especially lots of new people. People who may be… gulp… normal, but I’m with my friend, everyone seems very nice and I am as relaxed as a woman can be with her butt eating her knickers. Yes, this is fine.

I ease in ok. I remember people’s names, I’m enjoying listening to their conversation, Ooh these people seem to enjoy books, I enjoy books. They have children, I have a children too. This is going well. I am trying to ignore my uncomfortable pants and hope I do not smell of melted nylon too much. This person on my left has read my favourite book… it is their favourite book too. I am warming up.

Then people start to bring out their snacks. I did not bring snacks. I HAVE NO SNACKS, I missed the snack memo. I was so excited to be going to grown up book club, I forgot for one moment I live in Australia, the snack capital of the world. What was I thinking. Everyone has snacks. Not just ordinary snacks either, there is a blue Stilton and fair trade 90% cacoa chocolate. I will not eat anything, I will just chat and bring double snacks next time. I am talking to a lady called Michelle, in my experience most Michelles are funny and smart, with a liking for wine. Someone brings out what I think are Oreo’s, but they are not. They are crackers, BLACK crackers. I am fascinated by the crackers. Is this how people eat on an everyday basis I wonder? Is it just me who is not chomping down on blue cheese and black biscuits? What are these crackers even made of?

As everybody is standing around engaged in their conversations, I pick up the cracker packet and read out the ingredients. “Black Rice Flour, vegetable oil etc etc”..and ‘NO NASTIES, no Nasties? This immediately sets my brain into over drive. What is, I wonder the ‘nastiest’ thing you COULD put in a cracker? Through the gentle clink of wine glasses and the murmur of conversation, I turn to ‘Michelle,’ standing next to me and say. “No Nasties, so nothing in these to worry about, No huge electricity bills, No Trump, No Thrush…” about this moment everyone’s conversation in the immediate vicinity seems to have come to a natural end, leaving my words “No Thrush” hanging in the air. I recover things quickly and move on. I am sure no one noticed. This is why I do not attend book clubs ladies and gentlemen.

My brain works faster than my mouth.This is why I am a writer. I don’t want to release my particular brand of crazy on you all at once, not because I need your approval. I do care about what you think, but just not about me in particular. Humans are fascinating. I would love to know your thoughts on the crab nebula?, Do you think robots will be loaned out from libraries one day? Why do you think bubble wrap is so satisfying to pop? Do you hang your leg out of the bed at night?. These are the questions I would love to ask. You just can’t ask them at a book club, well not first time anyway, and definitely if you have no snacks and melted pants. Be yourself is the mantra. I have a suspicion that this might not always be the best advice, at least for me. I think perhaps being a curious, extrovert with a warped sense of humour might terrify some of my more reserved, socially anxious peers to death. I think then there is a case for the watered down version of you, before you can breakout the bonkers, in installments, with a free dose of wtf served on the side with posh cheese and black crackers.

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5 thoughts on “Why I Love a Threesome

  1. Sometimes you know that what you’re sharing with a new group of people is not fit for public consumption, but it’s almost always a thought which occurs to you while you’re halfway through sharing it.

  2. Hahaha! Its people like you that make me feel less alone. Don’t water yourself down! Normal is boring! I may be introverted but I struggle with laundry issues too, and I don’t have the eloquence that you do.

    1. We are all connected x. As the old saying goes. “It is better to sometimes remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt lol ” Guess which category I come under. Did you eat the black crackers btw, did they taste like Oreos?
      Writey recently posted…Why I Love a ThreesomeMy Profile

  3. Ha ha, I loved this!!! … probably because it so eloquently describes my life (with different details)
    Something from the recesses of my mind is bringing forth the proposition I once heard that we could be all one entity playing out different roles/events simultaneously… (I love this idea mostly because the being nice to “yourself” requires being nice to “your” other versions). Maybe this is why we feel so empathetic toward “our” pantied crusader with thoughts of thrush filled crackers… And the hilarious, beautiful universe that insists the crowd catch “Our” unique perspective to both laugh at us and embrace our peculiarities front on… what a script!
    If I lost you at “one entity”, don’t be concerned, it’s ok, just the universe laughing/high 5ing me xx
    Adored the writing xx

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