Slug Life

No Smart Phone, No Problem

I have no smart phone, but I do have very good reasons.
I have fantastic coverage in my little house in the bush, from all the major networks ..BUT.. only when standing on a chair, on the furthest corner of my outside balcony. That said, If I drive to the top of the road the reception is fabulous,(almost two bars!) So, if you were to call me, you would have to let it ring a while if you want me to answer.

Privilege Problems
The other issue is, I have no idea what phone I should get? My post baby brain can’t handle the differences between an Android or an iPhone, and my ovaries spontaneously combust when figuring out if I need a series, 5,6, 7 or an SE. My cries of, “I just want a phone with a green cover that suits a writer with terminal sausage fingers” are not narrowing the field either, and for a woman who once had to be escorted weeping from a market in Leeds, because there were just ‘too many’ tomatoes to choose from, this is a very real problem.

Big Bad Social Media
I also secretly worry about becoming phone addicted. What if my new phone is more interesting and entertaining than my children (oh the very idea!). What if I develop a Candy Crush fixation, and accidentally leave my offspring on a train. I have seen this happen. It is then only a slippery slope to Instagram, Twitter, and the associated trolls and twatery that goes with it. Am I wrong that a part of me secretly enjoys being disconnected sometimes?

I have a Cunning Plan
My lack of phone is most annoying to my friends. There have been interventions. Evidenced by my current phone plan. This plan is not pre-paid but it comes with a push button Nokia and a lecture on the merits of battery charging. Yes folks, I am on the ‘Pity Plan’ a special lock in plan, where your long suffering friends donate any old unused handsets that they have lying around, in a desperate attempt to keep you contactable, by something more reliable than a Ouji board.

There’s no ‘i’ in team
My current phone has a half chewed skittle lodged under the i button which makes a text conversation quite difficult, very hard, as everything has to be said differently, you must translate words, to avoid using the letter i , to not use that letter between h and j. conversations can adopt a most Shakespearean tone. ‘Hey, twould be great to meet for coffee, am abroad, Perth today!, 2.00 lbrary?’

Phone Killer
But I suspect the biggest reason I am still phone less is a basic mistrust in my abilities to keep phones alive. I am a fecking nightmare for losing/destroying things. I have had phones dropped down toilets, (haven’t we all) catapulted from back pockets of skinny jeans, to ugly deaths on the tarmac, I have butt crushed them, drowned them in coffee, laundered them in washing machines, and placed them on the roof of my car then driven off, (and then, in a startling display of fuckwitery, unknowingly reversed back over them.) It didn’t matter so much with the disposable hand me downs, but a $1200 dollar smart phone..gulp..I would have to step my game up to serious adulting.

The Ultimate Snap Chat
So, with the advent of my blog, I have convinced myself that rationally I must get a phone, I have researched. I am primed and on the cusp of biting the bullet and skipping down to the mall, when my longtime friend posts this upon her facebook page a few days ago..oh the deep unadulterated perfection of this post.

The names are omitted to protect the innocent and thankfully as she only had 53 fb friends, she narrowly missed going viral, but there for the grace of.. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. If you want me send me a carrier pigeon, I’ll be on my balcony.

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